On the collective anger, pain, overwhelm and burnout that women are dealing with right now, and how we can decrease this stress in our lives, and implement self-soothing tools.
This post will contain the following:
An explainer on what nervous system regulation is, why it is impossible to be regulated when we are bombarded by social media, endless news stories of male violence and oppression, burnout from being under-resourced with childcare and healthcare, and how to change that.
These changes will involve proactive, practical steps to change your day-to-day interactions with the media you consume, tools to replace this with in order to create a healthier outcome, and a calmer state of body and mind. I will use up-to-date neuroscientific techniques, meditation and breathwork exercises, along with tangible steps I have personally taken as a trained Psychotherapist (with ADHD and an anxiety disorder!) to alleviate my own stressors and symptoms. This wisdom was hard won, both through trial and error, multiple modes of personal therapy, and lots of training, and thousands of hours as a Psychotherapy Practititioner.
I will include links to both free and paid resources that I personally use, and you can trust that I stand by them, as I am not paid for any promotion, and do indeed use them daily. I will also link to my own downloadable workbooks and worksheets which I have spent a huge amount of time and resources to create, if you wish to dig deeper.
Why we are where we are:
Aaaaaaaah it’s been a whirlwind! A really, long, drawn-out, whirlwind….
10 years ago, the world took it as a given that a highly qualified, polished, lifelong politician who was female, would beat an unapologetic racist, misogynist thug for a job he had absolutely no experience for. And then reality showed us just how naive we were. That misogyny had gone nowhere. That the Patriarch will always be propped up, no matter how blatantly vile and pathetic he is. While male political pundits and journalists couldn’t understand his win, feminists who had been around a long time, knew why. Younger women didn’t. We had never experienced such a visceral shock to the system.
We have been in a DECADE of grief, whether consciously or unconsciously, no matter our political leaning.
This isn’t about her, as a person or as a politician (I’m personally not a fan). The detail of the politics is not relevant. The symbolism of her was what mattered. She symbolically stood for progress. A continuation of things getting better, on an upward trajectory. A continuation of a better world, on the heels of the first black US president, legalised gay marriage, reproductive rights, racial justice, positive climate policy. And the gods laughed at us.
In this entire decade since, we have been BOMBARDED by male violence. Not just because a political leader who is an unrestrainable, unfiltered pig never gets off twitter, but because we are also deeply plugged in to so much horror, in a time of doomscroll, AI, news-as-entertainment, genocide as daily content, increasing fascism and wealth inequality we never thought we’d see in our lifetimes, with billionaires feeding on our consumption of it all.
(This documentary below is about media bombardment as a purposeful tool of control, and is free on youtube. It is absolutely superb – and more pertinent than ever. It’s called “Hypernormalisation” – we all remember when Trump first got in, all of the rallying cries of “This is not normal!”. Yet we can see now all of the absurdity that has become normalised since then. Which, in turn, allowed for the live streaming of genocide along with an entire culture of “incels”. This documentary explains how this was bombardment was the intention. Take the time some day for this, it’s absolutely worth it, even if you have no interest in politics.)
We have never been this emotionally dysregulated. And it comes with horrific grief: “You silly little girl! You thought your Repeal jumper was going to matter? Got your lil Frida Kahlo Feminist T-shirt on Etsy? Awww. Bless!”. Then #metoo. And too many of them got their jobs back. Louis CK won a Grammy. Now he has a Netflix special coming out. Chris Brown, despite the photos we all have imprinted in our brains, is the 35th most listened to artist on Spotify.
Then came the Epstein files. And every single person in a place of power connected to him. Noam Chomsky laughing with Steve Bannon? WTAF? Our male heroes showing us they are all complicit in the abuse of women. That they will have each others male backs when it comes to women, no matter how much they disagree about everything else. Even the microaggressions from “good men” during #metoo, Matt Damon telling us we may be overreacting. Liam Neeson calling it a witch hunt.
Who is left to trust? Are our own friends in the manosphere? Are they following Andrew Tate? Have they been watching criminal videos on the R*pe Academy websites? Because SIXTY TWO MILLION visits occurred in one month. Pelicot was not a unique horror story. It’s a worldwide reality.
And then it happened again. Trump got back in. It wasn’t a fluke, a glitch in time. It was inevitable. It held a mirror up to the current state of manhood and it’s entitlement. And now ANY woman with a simple picture of herself online, a grandmother, a toddler, can be deepfaked into p*rn by Elon Musk’s GROK. We are only at the beginning of what violence can be enacted upon us through AI.
Pretty bleak, right?! So, how are we, as women, supposed to cope?
By holding deep faith that this is the last scream of a dying system. By backing that faith up with real, provable data. I suggest starting by reading Rebecca Traister’s “Good and Mad”. Then Rebecca Solnit’s “Hope in the Dark”.
As importantly, and more urgently, we MUST recognise that what we are mentally, spiritually and physically going through is NOT NORMAL. Yes, misogyny and violence is absolutely the norm. But the bombardment of our senses is not. The relentless intake of horror stories is not. Our nervous systems are FRIED.
The purpose of this post is not misery or dread. It’s about armouring ourselves. Here, you will learn tools to help settle the nervous system, and how to implement practices as and when you need them, to help you get regulated. This is neuroscience, and it works. We fight when we are regulated. We embrace joy when we are regulated. We cannot pour from an empty cup. Ideally, we can implement a daily practice, but I know we are also all overstretched and under-resourced. Chilcare supply has plummeted since Covid, and the cost of living has sky-rocketed. And yet – we can make shifts. So, let’s resource ourselves in ways that are within our control.
I will link to tools, give my own recommendations based on both neuroscience, a lifetime of personal work and 17 years of professional work, and show you how simply and quickly we can combat these unnatural levels of stress. Let’s all take care of ourselves. They didn’t bury us. They planted seeds. It is time to nourish these seeds and reclaim our joy.
What is Nervous System Regulation?
We hear a lot about “regulation” in wellness spaces and Instagram posts, but it’s not a synononym for calm or relaxed. It’s specifically related to our psychological stress neurons, so I’ve linked to a detailed description of what exactly the Nervous System is here from from Harvard Health, a medically reviewed journal:
https://www.health.harvard.edu/healthy-aging-and-longevity/understanding-the-stress-response
If you’ve just read that, or already know what the nervous system is, let’s move onto the science of regulation.
What is Polyvagal Theory?
The sympathetic and parasympathetic systems are the two main branches of the autonomic nervous system (ANS), which controls involuntary functions like heart rate, breathing, and digestion.
The sympathetic system acts like a gas pedal, activating the fight-or-flight response in stressful situations, while the parasympathetic system acts like the brakes, promoting rest and recovery after stress.
Simply put, we all have the ability to move into a state of fight, flight, freeze or fawn. These are methods of self-protection and are completely normal – if a car is speeding towards us- adrenalin pumps and we run. If someone is threatening us, we fight. But with nervous system dysregulation, these states of being occur when there is no direct or visible threat. We feel like a tiger is chasing us, and our brain does not differentiate between that sense of imagined threat and reality. That is why it’s considered a dysregulated state. To be regulated, is to not be in any of these states, at least not in an acute or chronic manner, unless there is a valid threat. By consuming as much as we do in an online world, our nervous system is constantly being triggered to respond to stressful cues. Our nervous system feels under threat, and thus responds accordingly. So, to return to regulation (the parasympathetic nervous system), and aim to remain there, we must have a continual practice of regulating ourselves. This isn’t a hardcore practice. It can be as simple as calming our breath, dancing around our home, meditating, singing, moving, resting – dependent on which of the 4 F’s we are experiencing. Here’s a link for a more in-depth description, from the Polyvagal institute:
https://www.polyvagalinstitute.org/whatispolyvagaltheory
While we most often here about flight and fight, it’s also important to note, that as women, we have been socialised to have better outcomes of freeze and fawn, when we are threatened. Softening our voice, making ourselves small, not moving for fear of being hurt. We all know the stories of “Well why didn’t she fight back? Why didn’t she scream?”. Because, scientifically, our brains have been wired, through lived experience, that it has proven safer for us to freeze or fawn. And in a chronic state of overwhelm, freezing, numbing, is common. May be this resonates. Maybe you are dealing with feelings of numbness, or you decompress by “numbing out”. At a far end of the freeze spectrum, we see dissociation, a serious psychological condition. Chronic numbing is also something we see for all genders, in a time of overwhelm and feelings of hopelessness with global events. So lets get to practical, science-approved tools.
GETTING OFFLINE
A lot of our life is mostly, and in many cases must be, online now, there’s no denying it. I had to go through a lot of trial and error to find out what worked for me. I can never be fully offline, because along with using social media for my business, my own moral worldview is that it’s important to be an engaged citizen- to know what’s going on in the world around you so that you can help where you can. I was raised to stay informed. AND I also used that morality as permission to stay consuming every single piece of doomscroll that was doing absolutely nothing to benefit either me or those I was purporting to care about. In this section, I’m going to simply outline what worked for me, and hopefully you can get some ideas from this about how to make something similar work for you.
I NEED to have an app blocker. There are thousands upon thousands of people working every day to make the algorithm stronger than your willpower. Our brains are amazing, but they can’t compete with this. The human brain can not evolve as fast as the technology world is evolving. If it did, we wouldn’t be talking about our nervous system – it would have evolved to be non-reactive to online information that is not on our doorstep.
I went from only allowing myself 5 hours of social media per day, to 2 hours, to now only 2 days a week. If you truly need social media access for work – there are tools that can line up a month’s worth of posts for you in an afternoon. Journal on the reasons you may be coming up with as to why this seems impossible, and dig deep. I use the Freedom App Blocker, I’ve tried a few and this seems to be the best one for me (not sponsored to say that!)
So, I blocked Instagram and facebook (even though I never really use FB anymore, but I knew without access to insta, I’d just transfer my scrolling there). So what happened next? Youtube. I replaced Insta with hours upon hours of videos. Told myself it’s not social media and I’m not reading toxic comments, it’s just TV! But I was still in a place of algorithmic addiction and toxic consumption.
So youtube got placed in the same ban as socials, and could only be accessed twice a week, on the same days and times as other social media.
Then one Sunday morning, I woke up with those all blocked, thinking I was great. “I’ll go on substack and read intelligent, thoughtful, long form content”. Turns out Substack (as well as hosting lots of great content) was still turning into a video feed. Instead of it showing me the people I followed, I was seeing tweet-style short comments, videos of politicians being foul, headlines about horrors. “Ok, I’ll hop onto reddit. That’s just people chatting!” – 5 hours later and with a pit of nausea in my stomach, despite not seeing anything upsetting or negative… .my nervous system was in fight or flight from the sheer number of strangers opinions I was letting into my brain. Again, we’re not built to process THAT much information at THAT much speed, without a stress response being triggered.
Whatever the content, the doomscroll is creating an unneccessary sense of urgency and stuck-ness that absolutely ignites our sympathetic nervous system response. So Reddit and Substack went to the app blocker. Again, same day, same time.
And I felt the weight of the world off my shoulders. within a week, my friend told me I looked different. Lighter. Happier.
I’m still an engaged citizen. I still have phone interenet access from 12pm to 7pm. If I need anything urgent from social media, I can go get my laptop. But the ease and proven addictive nature of the phone doomscroll is simply not an option.
So what does my morning look like without reaching for the phone?
It looks like calm. I still have the urge to consume or to engage. So I Whatsapp friends. But most importantly, I can now take my morning slowly. A page of journalling to set myself up for the day. A pile of poetry books, or books of joy where I can just dip in and out (examples in photo below are what I have on the go at present – A collection of poetry by Nikita Gill and “The Book of Delights” by Ross Gay – carefully guarded by Ziggy).
So whether it’s Rumi or Mary Oliver, or anything of your choosing, a nice paperback of poetry, one poem per morning, that is inspirational and reminds you of the beauty of the world, read at a slow, steady pace, is naturally going to be a much more healthy experience compared to 100 strangers opinions and attempts at selling you things, all within 10 mins of scrolling. Or music. Dancing. Meditating. Enjoying pure silence with a cup of coffee. It looks like calm.
The reason my internet access doesn’t start til midday is for the same reason – I will automatically grab my phone and start the day with more headlines in 3 minutes than an entire Sunday newspaper would contain. It forces me to engage with physical copies of writing, and I get to CHOOSE what enters my home, instead of the algorithm deciding. Stop letting strangers into your home! Repeat that for me. STOP LETTING STRANGERS INTO YOUR HOME!
Our brains aren’t biologically wired to handle this much bad news
When I was growing up, my parents were news junkies. That is a VERY different thing to today. It meant every day at 6pm and 9pm, we watched the news. It was 20 minutes long, with an ad break in the middle. There was one major headline, usually about violence in the North of Ireland. Four or five smaller stories of local politics or global tragedies. Some sweet story as a palette cleanser. Then the weather. That’s it. Nothing more.
Multiple areas of the brain process information . One large area, the amygdala, processes emotion. So getting back to evolution of the brain – we are absolutely not wired to know about every news story across the globe. It’s too much to emotionally handle. We are not wired to know what is going on with the tribe over the mountain, we are wired to learn about and emotionally deal with our own tribe. Now throw in every tribe in every land across seas we didn’t even know existed. Absolutely overwhelming. That’s the evolutionary stage in which the human brain still sits, biologically.
Yet we are not only getting all of this information, but then feel shame and guilt if we are become emotionally numb to any of it. We question our compassion and empathy. And compassion fatigue is indeed a real thing. But when it comes to the amygdala, extending an emotional response to every world event occurring in tandem, is simply not possible. I am absolutely not saying we should be individualistic and tribal. That truly goes against my personal beliefs, and basic human decency. We are a global community of humans who should care for one another. But to do so, we need to be conscientious, discerning and intentional about what we consume, and how often we do so.
Intentional consumption and the algorithm
When you are online, who are you following? I have a hard rule, anyone or anything that makes me feel bad about myself, I unfollow. And if that is a good friend, I mute. This can be big or small. If I’m in a place of low body confidence, I don’t need to see gym selfies. If I’m horrified by relentless stories of male violence and need a break, I pause political journalists, (who I appreciate and respect, especially when they are in the trenches for the sake of women) because I need a breather. I can’t help the fight if I’m in paralysis. I need to take a break. My monthly direct debit donations to the causes I care about will still keep coming out, and me disengaging from social media for a week or two does not mean I’m not helping. Being hyperaware of what’s going on isn’t stopping the donations. And when I AM rested and regulated, I can tap back in, and join the fight. Sign the petitions, join the protests. Because my battery has been charged.
So check out who you are following. And cull. Be RUTHLESS. You are not saying NO to them, you are saying YES to your sanity. The same applies for Youtube and wherever you get your news. Utilise the “not interested in this topic” button as much as you can. Follow pages and creators that balance out the negative. Comedians, Good News creators who compile all the positive things that happened that week. Hopeful accounts that talk about new breakthroughs in climate science, endangered species who have been reclassified as non-endangered. All the pet videos!! Let the light in. Because the dark will find it’s way no matter what in an era of rage-bait, so balancing it needs to a concerted effort.
Sisterhood
Substack, despite my comments above, is still a fantastic place. When it comes to nervous system regulation, I strongly recommend the Somatic Psychologist Ailey Jolie. I will link her, and some other accounts I like, below. Choose wisely who you follow. I get their newsletters on Sundays and can scroll through it on email instead of falling into a Substack rabbit hole.
Long form content is way less dysregulating than fast, relentless memes, quotes and videos. And let’s be real, when we say longform nowadays, we’re not talking about a novel. We’re talking about what was the usual length of a basic newspaper article. But let’s still do our best to return to that. Like our parents read the Sunday papers to stay engaged and entertained, we can read articiles from like-minded women at a healthier pace, and feel in community, without being told to buy the latest new face serum. Knowing we are not alone in our distress is vital. Community is healing, and finding it in places that don’t frazzle us are necessary.
Substacks I personally enjoy:
https://sundaycervix.substack.com
https://aileyjolie.substack.com
https://sarahblondin.substack.com
https://jameelajamil.substack.com
https://nedratawwab.substack.com
https://elaynekalila.substack.com
It’s also important to switch out our podcast listening. Question your podcast consumption. Even if it’s fun, frivolous celeb gossip – is it still making you feel you have to stay on top of all the ongoing stories? I won’t go into a list of recommendations here, bar one. It’s called On Being with Krista Tippett. There are years of interviews on here, from great minds all over the globe. People who are no longer with us, like Ms Maya Angelou, sharing their wisdom, people who are thanfully still with us, like Padraig O’Tuama, who are actively engaged in making the world a better place.
Taking Breaks throughout the Day- A Non Negotiable
I would be lost without my meditation app. It’s free option has a plethera of meditations, talks and music, and it’s paid option is full of courses. The beauty of Insight Timer is that if you’re not vibing with a meditation guide, there are literally thousands more to choose from. Whether it’s their style, their message, their tone of voice, you get to pick and choose, and save them in your favourites for later. Whether it’s a 30 minute guided meditation to do a nervous system body scan, a 5 minute reset, 3 minutes to slow your breathing, or an hour long bedtime story, you get to discover whatever you need. I even recommend to clients to go into the bathroom in the office and pop their earplugs in for 5 minutes, throughout the working day, whenever they need.
I will link just a few meditations I frequently use below to get you started:
Knowledge is Power
Along with books on psychology, I have genuinely spent THOUSANDS of hours reading feminist literature, so I’ve curated a booklist. There’s a small fee, because I’ve done the brutal work of reading a LOT of absolute crap disguised as “girlbossing”. This list gets rid of all that I either don’t recommend as it’s simply mediocre, or it doesn’t hold up to modern psychologal and sociological research. I also believe women need to be paid for their labour, so I’m walking that walk! I’m saving you time and brain cells by curating the mediocre, and downright bad, OUT of the list, no matter how many good reviews they may have! You can find it here:
Reality Check:
This talk isn’t recent, but it’s wonderful, and much of the data still stands. We feel like it’s end times. And I’m not going to lie, there are a LOT of bad things happening. This talk couldn’t predict the toxic misogyny of the tech-bros and the billionaires 20 years later, or the rise of fascism. We are on a serious countdown to prevent climate disaster. The wealth divide is despicable and inexcusable. AND things are better than ever in so many ways. Knowledge of History is a gift, and part of my reason for recommending Rebacca Solnit’s “Hope in the Dark” from the very beginning of this post, is not just because it’s hopeful, it’s because it puts things into a historical context, which is WHY it is so hopeful.
Hans Rosling is professor of international health at Sweden’s Karolinska Institute, and founder of Gapminder, a nonprofit that brings vital global data to life.
A Consistent Morning Routine
“Start the day how you mean to go on” is not just a cliché. It’s a game-changing method. Here, I’ve created a guide and worksheet that I strongly recommend. It includes neuroscience, ancient wisdom, practical tools, and you can hone your own morning ritual into less than 10 mins per day.
So that’s it for now. You get to add to your own personal emotional wellbeing toolkit as often as you can, in any ways that work for you. I keep a notes app of a list of the tips and hacks that work for me, so in moments of stress I can dip into it and remind myself that I am equipped to handle whatever is bothering me in that moment.
We can continue to build on that list of what benefits us, and get rid of what doesn’t. Less IS More! Intentional living instead of overwhelmed living. Let’s get intentional.
And this last pic is how I’m greeted from my living room wall each morning. Affirmations work! Find the ones that work for you. With love, Bébhinn.
If you would like to work with me as your online therapist, you can find testimonials, fees, and FAQs in the menu on the hompage of this website. xxx
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