Being naturally attracted to a health relationship is a privilege, and we don’t talk about it as such, enough.
This privilege can be created in different ways:
You were raised in a household where healthy romantic love was modelled, and thus don’t conflate toxic relationship behaviour with love and romance.
You were raised in a household where unhealthy romantic relationships were ended at the first sign of trouble, and you were taught that these behaviours are not acceptable or tolerable.
You were raised by a single parent who never prioritised finding a partner over your wellbeing, and did not chase toxic relationships or allow bad romantic partners around you. They modelled self-love, self-respect and taught high self esteem over partnership at any cost.
You had secure childhood attachment, and that led to you to be attracted to secure attachments in a romantic relationship.
Your parents divorced amicably instead of staying in a toxic relationship, which modelled tolerating misery over individual happiness, for the sake of “partnership”.
The beauty of all of this is that we can change the story. Unlike other privileges that are inaccessible to most, learned healthy romantic behaviour is possible. Through therapy, we get to unpack our patterns and change our habits, by understanding their root cause.
I love attachment theory in psychology, because part of the theory, as well as outlining insecure and secure attachment styles, is what is called “EARNED secure attachment”. None of us should have to earn it, but if we have never received secure attachment, the theory holds that we get to rewire our brain chemistry so that we no longer are only drawn to insecurely attached relationships, and get to become a securely attached person, irrespective of our childhood attachments or romantic relationship history.
If you would like to work on this in therapy, feel free to get in touch at bebhinnfarelltherapy:gmail.com. If therapy is unaffordable right now, I have a deep-dive workbook on this website that is accessible and affordable, with hours of guidance, psychological data and journal exercises to help you work through your dating (of straight men) experience, past, present and future. Link in the website section is “downloadable workbooks” or click here:
