One of the most important (of many) times for therapy is when you are a new mother. I have spent decades, watching both friends and clients alike, in the same story of struggle. It is normalised, and it shouldn’t be. So many women are suffering in silence, alone. This isn’t just necessarily for months, it can be for years. Mothering is incredibly intense, and is unsupported in so many ways. Society does not set mothers up for success, and childcare is unaffordable for the majority. We do not have neighbourhoods of mothers supporting each other, as our mothers or grandmothers did. We are scattered through emigration, our friends having kids at differing life stages, geography, economics and more. Our mothers mostly had their kids at the same time that their friends did, or had neighbours who were in the same boat as them. A one-income household could survive, and thrive. This is no longer the case.
As an online therapist, I welcome mothers who need to have their babies or toddlers in session with them, just as I did when I saw clients in person. I would often hold the baby, to give the client space for themselves, to allow all the focus to be on them. To allow them to just BE, and be seen. Being trained to have awareness of what a baby can understand or even absorb from a mother’s distress is an important part of keeping the space safe for a child.
We always say “it takes a village” when it comes to raising a child, when truly, it takes a village to support a mother. ESPECIALLY a new mother. As long as a child is young enough to not understand the content of the session, or be emotionally impacted in any way, children will always be welcome in my therapy sessions.
Too many women are on an island at home, or rushing from home to work, feeling they are failing. If this sounds like you, please know that you are NOT the exception, you are the rule. Yes, you were told it was going to be hard. But the social contract has been broken. It’s not supposed to be THIS hard. You are not finding it too hard. It has BECOME too hard, because of this broken social contract. You are not “not coping”. You are unsupported. Under-resourced. Childcare costs, lack of community, impossible rising cost of living… even the most privileged, financially resourced mothers are STILL under-resourced when it comes to the silence around the struggle, and a bombardment of “influencers” promoting unrealistic expectations, endless new impossible standards, and acting like it’s all easy. We compare and we self-judge “She is doing it with three kids, who am I to complain with just one? Why am I crumbling? It must be my own personal failing”. We are internalising systemic failures as personal failures. Believing things to be an individual failing instead of a societal one. There is also a massive socio-political shift happening regarding motherhood, cementing and magnifying the pressures – the “trad-wife” online trend being a perfect example. It is SERVING governments and corporations for mothers to feel they are the ones at fault. Buy this product and you’ll be a better mother! Don’t look over here at our terrible maternity leave, housing and childcare policies, look at yourself!
Mothering is the hardest, most un-supported job in society. Get support where you can. And if that means you have to bring the baby, do it. You deserve help. This isolated society has never been the norm. We have always been tribal, and social psychology research shows that our brains still deeply need this connection and support. It takes a village. Let yourself reach out for that village. We’re waiting for you.
If you would like to book a session, you can contact me at bebhinnfarrelltherapy@gmail.com. For fees and testimonials, see other links on this website. For further details on how having a baby in the session works/doesn’t work, keep reading:
There is a difference between allowing a child to absorb the emotional distress of a mother breaking down, versus giving a mother a safe space to express herself, offload, and feel supported, while a child is at one of the developmental stages where they are oblivious to the conversation – both energetically and intellectually.
Taking 50 mins to release your stress, in front of your small, unaware child is healthier for Mum and baby, than a Mum who lives in a constant state of stress with nowhere to let it out. When we create spaces for women, we MUST acknowledge that they are bearing the brunt of childrearing, domestic labour and emotional labour. When we make these spaces unavailable to mothers, we are cutting off access to those who, at times, may need it most. Is there an age where it is inappropriate for a child to be in session? Absolutely! It is negligent and unethical to allow a child to hear the weight their mother is carrying. This is the importance of being trained in developmental stages, and being highly attuned to what is being discussed, and the energy of the session. It is never ok to emotionally burden a child with an adult’s issues. This leads to parentification and insecure attachment, at best! AND you are still allowed to have a baby on your breast, or hip, and be a fully emotional being, who deserves space and time to discuss your inner life. We do it conscientiously, always aware of baby, and using code words if toddler can understand certain words. If we need to shit-talk dad, he has an alias! As does baby! Who you are ABSOLUTELY allowed to complain about!
Making space for women means making space for mothers and working around the baby, not staying in a state of misery, stress or paralysis until we can find a free babysitter or funds, or waiting out the years until they are in playschool. The time is now. It is always now. You deserve help when you feel you need it, and not a moment later.
